Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Top 10 of 2006: #6 No News is good News, just ask channel 7

Over the last 10 days of the year, I will be looking back at my top 10 posts of 2007. Some are included because of my interest in the subject, some because of their popularity with readers, some because I just thought they were well written.

Staying up one night with a fussy baby, I decided to record the 11 o'clock channel 7 news broadcast and do a "live blog" of it. Man, did I pick the right night to do it. The show ended up being a perfect parody of an everyday channel 7 newscast, with alliteration after alliteration, vapid sportscasters, and a wickedly funny line by an anchor.

June 29, 2006
"Live Blogging" 7 News

11:00 -- Live from Boston, it's Seven News, on the News station..and we're off.

11:00 -- Relentless Rain, Fleeing the Floods, Record Rain, Rivers Rise, Fierce Flooding. Wow, we're not even a minute into the news cast and we have five alliterations. To Dan Housle for more...

11:01 -- Dan the Man likes tan in a can.

11:02 -- Another "Fierce Flooding" graphic gets us to Pete Bouchard, who tells us we won't have any flooding here.

11:03 -- A two-for-one. Christa Delcamp describes Pedro's return as a "Horrible Homecoming." The graphic over her shoulder reads Horrifying Homecoming.

11:03 -- To smiley happy Joe Amorosino, with Pedro Pounded on the video wall behind them. Fan with the obligatory Napoleon Dynamite sign "Vote for Pedro" in the montage.

11:05 -- Despite the happy talk from Pedro, smiley happy Joe assures us that he was "terribly embarrassed." How would he know that?

11:05 -- A "Tragic Turn" for two guys who met on the internet for rough sex and ended up dead. To Nichelle King, live from the house of ill repute: "this time, S&M turned out to be...Suicide and Murder." Oh brother.

11:07 -- A deadbeat dad is arrested in...wait for it...a Funeral Home Fiasco. I wonder if the anchor ever looks at the graphic on the video wall and has the urge to stand in front of it, trying to block the foolishness from our view.

11:08 -- Whenever I see or hear a reference to Braintree, I get the old Dave Dinger Ford jingle stuck in my head: "Come to Daaaave Dinger Ford, in Braintree (in Braintree)." It's in there now.

11:08 -- And we have our first story without an alliteration as part of the lead...and it's about the guy whose penile implant malfunctioned. If ever a story cried out for a snarky, sing-song headline, this is it. And nothing.

11:08 -- Jeff Glor tries to tell us this story really isn't funny.

11:09 -- You have a plastic tube loaded with springs implanted in your penis and you're shocked that it's painful? Seems like that would be the default position, no?

11:10 -- Back on track. Police find Cocaine in the Crib. Those two don't at all look like druggies.

11:10 -- Quick mention of break-ins at a Lawrence Boys and Girls club. No "Lawrence Larceny"? "Gang Grab," maybe? Someone's slipping.

11:10 -- Osama is releasing a "Terror Tape." Not very terrifying video of a smiling Osama plays.

11:11 -- Segue to updates from the "Crisis in the Middle East." As though there is only one.

11:12 -- And here is what we have to look forward to in segment two: Star Jones is out! Creepy robots! Weather! Vladimir Putin...ewwww! Nerds with Video Games! Stay tuned.

11:12 -- Am I the only one bothered that the news announcer guy reads a tag line for Mercedes Benz and points people to the their website for more info. It's not as bad as it used to be. There was a stretch where the news was sponsored by Chrysler and the little blurb point people to go to the WHDH.com website for more information. I guess I don't think a news organization should be lending it's credibility to shill for it's sponsors.

11:15 -- And we're back, with a story on Star Jones firing. I'm a little surprised that an NBC station is reporting on the changes at an ABC talk show, but I guess that's the only celebrity news of the day.

11:16 -- Randy is voicing over a story on these robots MIT is creating that essentially look like Cartoon faces on mechanical arms. Looks like the faces can move their eyes to follow the subject, can smile. Is that one moving in for a kiss? Are these the sex robots people were talking about last week? Randy throws in a "seriously smart".

11:17 -- Nerds falling prey to video game addiction. Risking Reality. Byron Barnett reporting, should I count that as an alliteration too?

11:18 -- So they're doing a story on video game addiction, they are talking to a woman who purportedly ruined her life playing video games and is now being treated for her addiction, and they have video of her at her computer, headset on, playing the game. Doesn't that undermine the story a little? If you had a story about a recovered alcoholic, you wouldn't film them drinking because having a drink could cause a relapse. So if this is a real addiction, how is it that they film a recovering addict doing the exact thing she is recovering from?

11:20 -- Pete Bouchard tries to save the segue by proclaiming that he's "addicted to weather maps." OK.

11:21 -- Pete is a good egg. I don't miss Todd Gross at all, but if you do, be sure to tell him just how much.

11:22 -- And here is the video of Vladimir Putin greeting children, pulling up a young boy's shirt, and kissing the youngster on the belly. Yuck. And Christa hits it out of the park: "I'm sure he's going to be talking about his eccentric Uncle Vladimir to all of the other kids." Randy Price laughs nervously.

12:23 -- Smiley happy Joe coming up next, with Sox highlights.

12:24 -- I hate these Toyota commercials. Come on for a drive, Feel the sunshine, stab hot pokers in my eye.

11:26 -- Sox win. Lastings Millidge is bad. Pedro taken deep by "soft-hitting" Alex Gonzalez. Whatever. On to Dave Briggs for more.

11:27 -- Cookie Cutter Dave (can you tell I don't like the 7 Sports guys? Didn't know if that was clear) tells us that the Sox ownership must be "privately ecstatic that their golden boy (Josh Beckett) was shining while the one the let walk struggled." Twice now, the Sports guys have told us that someone must be this or that despite what they said. That's absolutely wrong. If you want to get someone with knowledge of a person or situation to tell you that they believe "X" despite the fact they say "Y" to make your argument then do it. That's called reporting. But don't tell me what you think someone must be feeling. If I want that kind of groundless speculation, I'll tune in to talk radio, thank you.

11:29 -- Commercials. Did the Yanks win? Blue Jays? We didn't get any scores from around the league, so I have no idea. But at least I've been assured by Dave Briggs that Sox brass felt vindicated.

11:31 -- Back to the Studio for a good bye. If you're looking for a final tally, we had 14 alliterations (excluding "Byron Barnett") in 14 stories during the news segment, for a slugging percentage of 1.000. Highlight of the show, er, newscast: Christa's fantastically snarky comparison of Vladimir Putin to a sexual deviant.

blog comments powered by Disqus

Post a Comment


No Drumlins Copyright © 2009 Premium Blogger Dashboard Designed by SAER