Live Blogging the Winter Olympics -- Part 2

Part 1 is here. Part 2, joined in progress...

10:38 -- The longer this ceremony goes, the more cynical I become. Is it supposed to work like that?

10:39 -- It's not the ceremony, it's Sarah McLauhlin doing that.

10:39 -- She's hot. Mirrorball is worth a download right now, people. And "When Somebody Loved Me" from the Toy Story 2 soundtrack? I'm still pissed they gave the Oscar to that Phil Collins excrement from "Tarzan". What a load.

10:40 -- I mean, it's no "It's Hard Out There For A Pimp," but it was Oscar worthy.

10:41 -- I've been waiting for a Greg Kinnear action flick. Thank you, Hollywood Jesus.

10:43 -- Let me see if I get this straight. Some good ol' boy from Jim Crow Georgia riding his bike in 1959 inspired a bunch of South Korean engineers to build the 2010 Kia Sorrento? That's not the least bit implausible.

10:44 -- They were inspired to find a faster getaway car if the Klan ever came for them.

10:44 -- Oh good, more time spent kissing Quebec's ass. That's, like, 60% of their national budget, isn't it?

10:45 -- And on fiddle: Hellboy.

10:46 -- Oh please, play Cotton Eyed Joe. Oh, please, oh, please, oh, please!

10:47 -- You can have all of the tattoos and Mohawks you want and if you wear that much eye-liner, you're still going to have a hard time convincing me you aren't a little light in the loafers.

10:47 -- This shit is so crunk.

10:48 -- I don't mean you, of course, I mean the fiddler.

10:48 -- Not that there is anything wrong with that.

10:50 -- Are all of the Dropkick Murphys there? Or just most of them?

10:51 -- Since Zdeno Chara, Patrice Bergeron, Marco Sturm, and David Krejci are in the Olympics, the Dropkick Murphys were contractually obligated to come along. International law says "Where four or more Bruins or Red Sox congregate, the Dropkick Murphys must accompany them."

10:51 -- I see bra technology has not yet reached the great white north.

10:55 -- My face is starting to hurt from wincing at this program so much.

10:56 -- I'm sure "A tribute to Canada's Vast Prairies" will make you feel more at home...is that Donald Sutherland doing the narration?

10:58 -- It is. He was great in Dirty Dozen. "Very pretty, general. very pretty. But will they fight?"

10:59 -- Now we just need Telly Savales to come out with a knife in one hand shouting "Whores!" and this party will really get going. Right on, Canada!

11:00 -- I'd settle for a "Ho-bag!" from the gallery.

11:02 -- As of this very second, the "Both Sides, Now" page on Wikipedia has not yet been updated with the 2010 Vancouver Olympics cover. Don't you wonder who cares so much about stuff to go onto Wikipedia and update it? I mean, why does this song even have a 1,500 word entry?

11:03 -- That was Joni Mitchell? My, her voice has deepend over the years.

11:03 -- Wikipedia has now, in fact, been updated.

11:04 -- I watched a documentary about Joni Mitchell a few months ago. It actually wasn't nearly as boring as this mess.

11:05 -- Hey, it's the Flying Tomato! Whoop-de-effing-do.

11:06 -- Lindsey Jacobellis is transfixed by the sight of snowboarders not wiping out. Hard to fathom. Maybe she's studying them for pointers. "How do they do that?!"

11:08 -- That nameless Canadian chick may have won the gold, but Lindsey Jacobellis got to be in a Dunkin' Donuts commercial every 15 minutes for a month. You think Ms. Canada there got that kind of scratch from Tim Horton's?

11:09 -- And here's a skating tribute to the motion capture used in Canadian director James Cameron's "Avatar".

11:10 - -They did not just say slam poetry. No they didn't.

11:11 -- I think a fat guy with a neck beard and Eurostyle glasses defines Canada better than any poem could hope to.

11:12 -- The ultimate symbol of the Vancouver Games: Kyle Orton.

11:13 -- "Canada is the 'What' in 'What's New.'" He's no Robert Frost, eh?

11:14 -- "And what's more, we didn't just say it. We sprayed it."

11:15 -- The wonders of Hi-Def.

11:16 -- And now, the part we've all been waiting for...pasty old white men with accents.

11:18 -- How is it that the Canadian flag is tangled in the wind when they are in a dome?

11:18 - "We share with the world what it feels like to be a Canadian: boring."

11:19 -- I've been to Tim Horton's. I paid with a Loonie. I know what it's like to be a proud Canadian.

11:20 -- "A world in need of peace..." The teabaggers aren't going to like this.

11:21 -- C'mon, Don Cherry!

11:22 -- Do you know why Don Cherry's nickname was "Grapes?"

11:24 -- Speculation centers on his groin, but... no.

11:25 -- You are correct, petit frère. Supposedly he wore pants so tight that his balls were readily noticable. So the Bruins players started calling him "Grapes."

11:26 -- That's the same reason my friends call me "The Hydra."

11:29 -- I hate Bode Miller. Get him off my TV.

11:29 -- What the hell is this jabberwocky? Don't they speak English in Canada?

11:30 -- Listen, If Spanish were the official language of the Olympics, we'd probably get all of this in English, French, and Spanish.

11:32 -- Song of peace? Sounds like a time for me to sing a song of piss. Bathroom break. No offense to k.d., but I only listen to the Jason Castro version of this song.

11:32 -- k.d. lang. Your Super Bow LXII halftime show.

11:34 -- If k.d.'s suit were black she would be a dead ringer for Johnny Cash. And no, that is not a compliment.

11:36 -- Prop Bet: has k.d. lang said "hallelujah" more in this song, or in the rest of her life combined?

11:36 -- No bet.

11:38 -- Dan the Audi Man loved that last ad.

11:39 -- 12 more minutes of this nonsense? Holy crap.

11:40 -- With that outfit on, Donald Sutherlind looks like Hollwood's version of St. Peter waiting to greet you at the pearly gates. That or Sarumon. One or the other.

11:41 -- Damn. Bobby Orr not going to light the torch. Not a bad consolation prize, I suppose.

11:41 -- Okay, Orr isn't carrying the torch. it must be Gretzky. What a total ripoff. That wispy little creampuff couldn't carry Orr's grapes.

11:42 -- Holy hair.

11:42 -- To hell with the torch, they ought to just light her hair. It would probably take the whole two weeks to burn.

11:44 -- Was Gretzky ever an Olympian? Isn't it usually an Olympian who lights the torch? Or does his stint as coach count?

11:45 -- A little Googling confirms that it will be Gretzky. Hope that doesn't ruin it for you.

11:46 -- The fact that it's Gretzky is what ruins it for me. Does anyone outside of Canada like Gretzky?

11:47 -- He's the Great One. Well, him and an X-Large Dunkin' Donuts coffee.

11:49 -- Great One, Schmrait Frun. Whatever.

11:50 -- Do you think everyone is standing around the stadium looking at each other waiting for NBC to come back from commercial?

11:52 -- They're taking bets on whether Gretzky comes out in a Phoenix Coyotes jersey. I wonder whether the people of Arizona think he's the great one?

11:53 -- They should announce that the Coyotes are moving back to Winnipeg. That would mean a lot more to Canada than having Gretz light the torch.

11:54 -- And yes, I call him Gretz. Me and Gretz are tight.

11:55 -- How did Cameron get that gig?

11:57 -- Something is going to emerge from the stadium floor? Something is going to emerge from my pants! HA!

11:57 -- And then...nothing happened. Looks like Gretz needs Mark Messier to set him up.

11:58 -- Okay, grapes, keep it together.

11:59 -- Six billion dollars and they cant even light the torch correctly. How 'bout that Canadian ingenuity?

11:59 -- I think this is a re-enactment of the emregence of Superman's Fortress of Solitude just before Supes goes to fight Zod in "Superman II."

12:00 -- OKay, that lasted forever. I'm out of here. Peace, y'all.

12:02 -- Wait! Gretzky is going outside to light the real cauldron. You can't quit now!

12:03 -- I'm not following Gretzky around the city to light a billion other malfunctioning cauldrons. Unless one of them has Petr Klima in it.


12:04 -- You'd follow Bobby Orr around the city to light a billion cigarettes.

12:07 -- Vice President Biden is wearing a pin that includes the Canadian and US flags crossed. Bet you a dollar to a donut that someone criticizes him for that tomorrow.

12:10 -- That's it. Peace Out. I hope you enjoyed the opening ceremonies.

Live Blogging the Winter Olympics

You are looking live at Vancouver. Where the world has gathered in a domed stadium. Just like they did in Greece oh so long ago. Scott is joining me (and carrying the ball for the first half hour or so). His comments are in red, mine are in blue. And away we go...

8:36 -- Welcome back to the Olympics. Man, it seems like we never left. But that's probably just because all of these excruciating NBC Olympic features are exactly the same. Here's a brief recap of what we've seen over the last half hour or so: Arnold Schwarzeneggar carried the torch for a mile or so, during which time California fell approximately $77 million more in debt; Dan Patrick interviewed two ice dancers, and just typing that makes me want to punch myself in the nuts a dozen times; Apollo "Creed" Ohno showed his soul patch on national televison, which I hoped would be outlawed by now by FCC deceny standards (by the way, he always makes me wonder when Smashing Pumpkins are going to reunite. Just saying.); and Cris Collinsworth of all people took a break from doing the voicework for Madden 2011 just long enough to interview the biggest moron in the history of American sports, Lindsey Jacobellis. 

Yeah, we're off to a rocking start here. I hope Lance logs on soon to give me a break; I'm going to need a few seconds to question the universe for allowing NBC this TV contract.

8:44 -- Apparently the world premiere of the new "We Are The World" video is coming up. Am I the only one that thought the original was a pile of schmaltzy crap? Haven't the people of Haiti suffered enough without subjecting them to a Lil' Jon and Joe Jonas duet?

8:47 -- Speaking of which, they just had a commercial for it and I literally mistook Qincy Jones for Muhammed Ali. I am apparently a douchebag.

8:48 -- Did they really just claim that these are some of the "best" artists in the world? And then they lead off with Justin Beiber. You know what, I'm not the douchebag after all, these people are. I mean, I hope they make a billion dollars to help the people of Haiti, because I personally would pay that much just to ensure I never have to hear that sonic assault ever again.  

8:54 -- They showed a nice commercial featuring Canadian superstars imporing people to vacation in British Columbia. that is to say, Canadian-born superstars. I wonder how many of them became U.S. citizens once they hit it big in America? Just curious.

8:55 -- Dan Patrick is now conducting the most painful interview ever with a group of American snowboarding women. Lindsey Jacobellis suddenly has context.

8:58 -- A nice new ad for the U. S. Census. Their new campaign features a guy in a bathrobe a giant mustache parading through the neighborhood. Not bad. it's definitely a step up from their last campaign, "kill yourself and scrawl the word Fed across your chest." That one was a bit of a bust.

8:59 -- Okay, enough crap, let's get to the ceremony already. Here we go. 

9:01 -- And the show has started off with a bang, with Dudley Do-Roight riding into the pavilion on a moose. Actually, it's starting with a sequence showing a snowboarder rushing down a mountain. I'm waiting for the Russian skiers to start chasing him, shooting out of their semi-automatic ski poles just before he parachutes off the side to a waiting submarine. Hey, everything is better when Roger Moore is involved. I hope he's the one lighting the torch. My actual guess: Wayne Gretzky. Though it should be the actual greatest player in hockey history, Bobby Orr.

9:04 -- I was hoping when the snowboarder whipped off his mask it would turn out to be Canadian native Michael J. Fox.

9:07 -- The Prime Minister was apparently as confused by "The Vice-Royal Salute" as everyone else in the free world. I appreciate that he started singing along during the one stanze of the national anthem, though.

9:08 -- Finally! Dudley Effing Do-Right! Hell yes! Like, eight of them.

9:09 -- They should have had Rene Rancourt sing the national anthem. Give some fist pumps, get the crowd juiced up. This is the worst version of the Canadian national anthem I have ever heard. It has the Celine Dion stink all over it. The arrangement is terrible! Brutal. 

9:12 -- Is Alec Baldwin really the best person to be giving out marriage advice? 

9:15 -- So, what did I miss? Dancing Bears? Singing Inuits? Bearded men in toques?

9:15 -- I want one of those hiuge totems for my house. Or... I guess I want one of those huge totems to be my house. As long as it's a Windfury Totem, that is.  And I want that wolf-hat too. The bare-chested wolf-hat look is big this year, I think it's the centerpiece of Michael Kors's spring line.
9:16 -- Apparently, I did not miss the singing Inuits.

9:17 -- No, that appears to be happening now.

 

9:18 -- This explains the Inuit dominance at ping-pong.

 

9:19 -- Phil Sheridan would have a field day if he saw this. 

9:22 -- It doesn't look like the guy from the Greek Olympic Committee has found the Grecian Formula, if you know what I mean.
9:23 -- The fact that the Argentine alpine skier is my size tells you why no South American team has ever won a medal.

9:25 -- The Australian team hung a Kangol flag from their balcony? What, is Samuel L. Jackson leading their contingent?

9:25 -- Now, there is a classy outfit. The Austrians are apparently the only ones to get the memo that this was going to happen inside, so

9:26 -- Jackson Pollack designed Azjerbaijan's pajamas.

9:29 -- To hell with all of the running suits. How about a little style.
9:30 -- A point for the Cayman Islander's hats.
9:31 -- Was the crowd booing China? Or were they just saying "Mao"?
9:33 -- "Obama isn't there, so I doubt it was 'Mao.'" -- Sarah Palin

9:34 -- Maybe they were booing because they finally heard the new version of "We Are the World."


9:35 -- I believe Jaromir Jagr wore those pants for most of his 500 or so NHL goals.

9:35 -- I see Estonia got a hold of Mom's bedazzler.

9:36 -- Is that Ethiopia? I thought it was a group of DHL employess making a late delivery.

9:36 -- I'm going to say that the Finnish suits are in homage to their ski troops and they accidentally gave them camouflage outfits instead of all-whites. I can't imagine any reason other than mushrooms. Probably a Nike thing.
9:37 -- Are the French waving white flags? Just asking...

9:38 -- A bunch of French atheltes are on the scene. Let's hope FIFA isn't around or you might as well give them the medals now.

9:40 -- There's apparently no "I" in "Germany".
9:40 -- Apparently even in German, there is no I in team. Isn't that what the German police wear when directing traffic?

9:42 -- Jinx. You owe me a Molson's.

9:42 -- You know the world has changed when the British are the first team wearing berets.

9:43 -- That's in honor of Field Marshall Montgomery. He was a huge fan of the halfpipe.

9:43 -- And there are apparently no hairdressers in Hong Kong. Egads.

9:44 -- Iceland does not scream "Winter Olympics." It screams "Drunken Bankrupt spa-goers."

9:46 -- OK. "Spa-goers" is pretty lame.

9:46 -- You'd think that Bollywood could turn out more than three ice dancers.

9:46 -- It's a long way to Tipper-arrrry! It's a long long way to go!"

9:48 -- Looks like Berlusconi gave all really of the Italian men Mickey Mouse gloves...probably to keep them to from groping the other athletes.
9:49 -- Those shamans must be getting really tired of dancing.

9:49 -- Speaking of Shaman, these ceremonies wouldbe really improved if there was an Alpha Flight appearance. That's a reference for all my fans who came over from my website to follow us tonight. All none of them.
9:50 -- Now that is an effin' hat. Too bad the rest of the Kazakhs aren't wearing that bedazzled, tri-cornered top.

9:50 -- Time for the obligatory Borat joke. C'mon, Costas. Don't let me down.

9:51 -- You are going to cross-post this on your website, right? I mean, the winter olympics seem like it would be right up you readership's alley.
9:56 -- Probably not , but it may be time for a spotlight on The Sportsmaster.

9:56 -- The guy from Moldova is having a pretty good week...not because it's his birthday, but because he's not in Moldova.

9:56 -- The Monte Carlo team getting ready for their Christmas family picture.

9:58 -- ...and Matt Lauer and his wife met on a double-Dutch.

9:59 -- WTF is that cape that lady was just wearing? I can't even formulate a joke about it, it was just too freakish.

9:59 -- I am from New Zealand. I am the Falconer.

10:01 -- Must not make Polish joke after seeing those outfits. Must resist.

10:02 -- Is it just me, or does every country with one athlete just have a guy competing in cross-country skiing? "Can you walk on skiis? Yes? Here's a plane ticket to Canada. Grab a flag."

10:03 -- OK. The Russian outfits are the leader in the clubhouse. The Varsity jackets with the Russian team design on the shoulders and leather sleeves are really nice. Especially the red ones with the white sleeves that the men are sporting. Best thing to come out of Russia since...well...since...um...

10:05 -- Olympians gorge on chicken mcnuggets? The gold medal count may be down this year. The crispy golden batter count, however, will be up. As will the cholesterol count. I wonder how Mrs. Obama feels about an ad showing dozens of pre-teens mowing McDonalds food?

10:06 -- The Slovenes look sharp too.

10:08 -- Spain, wearing hats marked "VANCOUVER" in large letters on all sides will not make the people cheer for you any more than they already would.

10:00 -- Bob Costas said "Cooch." Heh heh, heh heh heh.

10:10 -- Lauer got it right, it is, in fact, Istanbul, not Constantinople. A common mistake.

10:12 -- He thinks it will be a warm reception? He's never listened to Montreal Canadiens fans greet the U. S. national anthem before a game, has he.

10:12 -- Marco!

10:13 -- The difference between 2008 and 2010? Joe Biden isn't waving the flag updside down and probably won't be patting the female athletes on the ass.

10:13 -- Biden gets to do all the cool stuff.

10:13 -- Which also makes him the only politician in American currently doing anything.

10:17 -- Matt Lauer: "So many Canadians in attendance." No shit, Sherlock. Welcome to Vancouver!

10:18 -- Maybe if he had one of those Spanish hats he'd remember where the Games are being held.

10:18 -- Did they just say they were going to settle in to enjoy the show? The show? There's more of this crap?!


10:19 -- Only another hour and a half. Glad you signed up for this, huh?


10:19 -- And now, in recognition of Canadian history, the delegation from Canada will pull down the totems. Commence!

10:20 -- This would be the worst thing I have ever heard, but I already listened to "We Are The World 25 For Haiti" tonight.


10:21 -- OK. Time to be honest. You wrote this theme song, didn't you?

10:22 -- I think this is Kara's new "American Idol" single.

10:22 -- I don't know about you, but I'm just having a had time getting Inuit.

10:23 -- I was wondering who that dude doing the terrible Brian Adams impression was. Answer? Bryan Adams.

10:25 -- I have to say, Crunch n' Munch is underrated. I don't like Cracker Jack at all, but this Crunch 'n Munch stuff is OK.

10:26 -- I never realized how unbelievably cheesy Candaians are. They aren't nearly this bad on Ice Road Truckers.

10:28 -- The extreme northern natives of Canada apparently were pioneering habadashers.

10:29 - -I hope this is a St. Elsewhere's type snow globe, so I can wake up from this nightmarish dream sequence.

10:35 -- This google docs program couldn't possibly suck any worse.


10:36 -- Looks like it's time for me to publish this and move on to part two. See you in another life, brother.

Obnoxious American...Announcers

I forgot how much I hate Al Trautwig, and by extension the entire way NBC covers gymnastics. In the first 15 minutes of tonight's coverage of the women's team qualification, we got the following:

1. A pissy diatribe from Trautwing about how it's so sad that we'll never have a perfect 10 again under the system. Oh, get over it. The more complex system is better because it allows more precise scoring. So you can't bellow "a perfect 10!" after a routine. Boo hoo.

2. A dark rendering of the horrible Chinese for using underage athletes. Just look at them, America. They're obviously too young. The enemy is cheating and harming young girls while they are at it. Just remember, America, if our girls lose, NBC wants you to believe it's not because the Chinese were better, it's because they are cheating. Maybe they are, maybe they aren't. But it doesn't appear that it has been proven. Get back to me when you have something other than the carping of a former US coach.

3. As the Romanian team was struggling on the balance beam, Elfi Schlegel sneered that the Romanian team just seemed so unfocused and undisciplined and that 30 years ago they would never have been joking around the chalk bowl, and their former coach was commenting on how different the attitude of the girls was. Well, of course it's different. 30 years ago, if a Romanian gymnast was caught joking around the mat or falling off the balance beam her family would be sent to the gulag before the games were over and she'd be shipped out to meet them as soon as the plane touched down. The fact that they can have a little fun is a good thing. Perhaps they aren't as good anymore because Romania doesn't put half of their GDP into Olympic sports in an attempt to prove that Communism is all that.

So after setting the stage for us with that baloney and a two-minute montage of gritty American girls working out in at dawn and looking at the camera with determination etched on their faces while Trautwig narrated that they had to fight through such hardship as the Iowa floods and some indication that the fates were conspiring against them (he really said that), the American athletes proceeded to stumble and flop their way through the floor exercises and the parallel bars. Was it because they were upset about not being able to strive for 10s? Too old? Or perhaps they just don't work hard enough? If they weren't Americans those would be the reasons, why not for our girls?

Or maybe they just had a bad day. Maybe the Romanians had a bad day. And maybe the Chinese girls just look young. Al, why don't you and your troupe of yahoos just let us watch the games and enjoy them, and leave your storylines behind.

Tags: Olympics Gymnastics NBC

Live-blogging the Opening Ceremonies -- Part 2

You're looking live at Beijing, where...what? This isn't live? It's on tape. Oh.

Scott is joining me, in red. I'm writing in blue. Part 1 is here. On to the parade of nations...

9:21 -- Michelle thinks the Greek women look like Stewardesses. I like the "Bob Kraft-style" white collars of the men's shirts.

9:23 -- Michelle: The president of Turkmenistan should have made sure the colors matched, instead of a booger green and a puke green.

9:25 -- I've heard that the president of Turkmenistan is kind of nuts. Holy mackeral, Malaysia is wearing some of the most garish pajamas I've ever seen. Meanwhile, the group of Mali looks like a bunch of holy men. I've never even heard of Mali, so maybe they are.

9:26 -- Why do the Yemenese get bagpipes for their background music?

9:28 -- The Marshall Islanders found the immunity idols on Castaway Island!

9:29 -- Those bamboo necklaces were first outlined as part of the Marshall Plan. Complaints about this joke can be sent directly to Lance at nodrumlins.

9:30 -- I think I'd be more apt to buy something that was advertised in HD.

9:31 -- Unless they are trying to sell you Randy Johnson's face.

9:31 -- Do the Ecuadorans put the country name on their pants so they can look down and remember where they are from?

9:32 -- I like the yellow waistcoats the Jamaican women are wearing. The blazers for the men, not so much. If I had been doing the Project Runway challenge, I would have made waistcoats for Americas women as well.

9:33 -- I like the Country and Western-style suits the Belgians are wearing.

9:34 -- Israeli athletes or American tourists. You decide.

9:35 -- All I know is, you don't mess with the Zohan.

9:37 -- Benin has some amazing habadashery. Sponsored by Jiffy Pop.

9:38 -- Those red and white polka-dotted shirts are something else.

9:39 -- WTF is Denmark wearing? T-shirts and jean jams? I'm calling Morton to ask him what his nation was thinking. Denmark's outfits were apparantly designed by Pacific Sunwear.

9:39 -- I'm not sure a man wearing capris and a belly shirt can win a medal. But Denmark will probably prove me wrong.

9:41 -- I really like those Ukranian neck ties. Where can I get one of those.

9:44 -- I've seen hordes of Brazilian tourists at Disney World that looked just like their Olympic delegation. Instead of a brazilian flag they should have had their flag-bearer use one of those little orange tour group ones.

9:46 -- The team members from the Bahamas are wearing silk nooses?

9:47 -- Michelle: "That Panamanian outfit makes her look like a waitress. Hey Flo!"

9:49 -- I would have been happier if the Cubans were all wearing those red Che Guevara t-shirts, like they were at a Rage Against the Machine concert. Also, if they were chopming on giant cigars. I love that stuff. I hear the Cuban rowing and swimming teams are very strong.

9:54 -- Makes me proud do be an American, the president does.

9:54 -- I thought Bush was about to raise his hand and shout for a peanut vendor. "Hey, hot dog! Over here. Gimme a coke too."

9:55 -- More capris. If you ever wondered why America was superior to Europe, there you go.

9:58 -- Thank you, Canada, for proving the fashion possibilities of the painters cap.

9:58 -- My God, those Canadian outfits are hideous. Michelle -- "What's the deal with the gold lamay shirts and the painters' caps with the hand-drawn leaf?"

9:59 -- Michelle: "This guys glasses in the [ExxonMobil] commercial's glasses re incredibly crooked. Couldn't they have found someone without crooked glasses?"

10:05 -- Spain's ladies look nice in the 40's throwback jackets and skirts. Allow me a moment to google the lyrics of "ladies of Spain". The men, however, look ridiculous in those blood red smoking jackets.

10:05 -- Michelle: "[The Spaniards] look like they work at McDonalds. Mustard and Ketchup."

10:06 -- Gotta like the double-breasted jackets on the Congolese delegation.

10:07 -- I love the smirk from Bush when Iraq came in. Golf clap and smirk. Perfect.

10:08 -- I wish they'd have shown his reaction to the Iranian delegation.

10:09 -- I think he pulled out the "football" and started pounding codes into it.

10:09 -- The Hungarian women look like they got caught out in a paint ball field. Michelle: "I think I'm going to have seizures."

10:14 -- Some of these nations are waving these silly little plastic flags instead of nice, real miniature flags. I wonder if those plastic flags were made in China? I bet those kids form the opening ceremony make those little flags like 11 hours a day when they aren't being used as public relations props.

10:16 -- When they show Bush and Mrs. Bush, the two of them never seem to be talking or anything. Maybe she's busy live blogging or something.

10:16 -- Michelle: "Those Croatian outfits look like Italian table cloths, and --- oh, the women don't even shave! Who chooses sleeveless outfits for women who don't shave?"

10:21 -- Now, why is Bob Costas trivializing the contribution of the two UAE women athletes? Doesn't matter if they are the daughters of politicans or not.

10:22 -- And I really like Azerbaijan's neckties. Perhaps the best ties of the night.

10:24 -- Great Britain looks sharp, conservative but sharp. As you might expect. I liked the outfits Namibia was wearing, which marks the first time I've ever written, said or thought the word Namibia.

10:25 -- I think the British Virgin Island team picked up those shirts at the airport gift shop on the way out.

10:25 -- Are those Romanian jackets an actual color recognizable by the human eye? Or is it some sort of alien virus?

10:26 -- One of Tuvalu's athletes only had one arm. Maybe he does discus?

10:28 -- The French have those square-bottomed knit ties! I have a couple of those from high school! Maybe those crazy Europeans aren't so fashion-distressed as I thought?

10:29 -- The Polish women are all wearing prom dresses.

10:29 -- Michelle: "Who put Olga in that dress?"

10:33 -- Bulgaria has some nice, simple, clean outfits that make their neighbor countries of Hungary and Romania look pretty silly.

10:33 -- The South African open-water swimmer who lost half of her leg would have a better story if it had been bit off by a shark than in a motorcycle accident. I think she ought to rethink that.

10:35 -- John McCain: "Cindy, that's the Soviet Union. Why does Matt Lauer keep calling it Russia? Stupid media."

10:37 -- I don't like the Scally caps. Otherwise, I give the US outfits a thumbs up. The women's ascots are nice. In fact, the men might also look nice in ascots.

10:40 -- Are some of the US athletes flashing gang signs to the camera? Good thing Paul Pierce isn't on the team this time.

10:41 -- I think I'm the wrong guy to ask.

10:42 -- I'll call Mayor Wong and see if she has an official city guide to gang signs.

10:43 -- I hear you two run in the same circles.

10:44 -- Zimbabwe made their jerseys out of recycled Kansas City Wiz uniforms.

10:46 -- The president is tapping his knee with the American Flag! Can't wait to read all of the conservative bloggers accusing him of desecrating the flag and dishonoring America.

10:49 -- My Own Worst Enemy on NBC looks like a surefire crapfest. Not "her father is the district attorney!" bad, but bad. Ironically, of course, Christian Slater actually is his own worst enemy. Or, maybe it's his agent.

10:49 -- Christian Slater is doing a network TV series about a schizophrenic something or another? Didn't he used to be cool?

10:51 -- John McCain: Cindy, I think it's really neat that we let Georgia have it's own team. Is that because they had the Olympics in 1996? Will Illinois get a team after 2016?

10:53 -- John McCain: Nice to see Czechoslovakia send so many athletes this year.

10:56 -- Matt Lauer correctly recognizes Kobe Bryant and talks about how other athletes are flocking to him, but fails to notice that the guy getting his picture taken with Bryant is Roger Federer, only one of the greatest tennis players in world history. Maybe Kobe was flocking to him to get tips on how to win titles.

10:58 -- John McCain: Look at that Cindy, the Czechoslovakians went out, changed their clothes, and came in with a different flag. Neat.

11:00 -- I like the South Korean outfits too. Very nice ties.

11:01 -- One of the dudes from Cameroon was talking on his cell phone while he was walking in the parade. Seriously, that doesn't really seem like the time. He was probably talking to someone in a movie theater.

11:01 -- ...or behind the Red Sox dugout.

11:04 -- Um, I don't think that was Federer with Kobe.

11:04 -- And here's Federer again, having quickly changed national allegiences. He wants to get to Kobe again. Double dipping.

11:07 -- I see that New Zealand is being outfitted by the effects wizards at WETA.

11:07 -- The Kiwis are wearing those tuxedo T-shirts people wear to wedding receptions to be "funny."

11:10 -- That Nike ad with the "I got soul but I'm not a soldier" song -- which is annoying -- also features single frame images of both Jonathan Papelbon and the DC Comics superhero The Flash for no apparent reason.

11:15 -- Having Dirk Nowitzki anywhere near your team is no way to win more medals.

11:16 -- And Kobe tries to swat Jennie Finch and the women's softball team out of the way so he can get more camera time. Obviously awaiting his next visit from Roger Federer.

11:17 -- Jennie Finch should consider herself lucky that's all she got from Kobe.

11:19 -- Sox lost.

11:21 -- And Australia decides to show Canada how it's done. And by it, I mean burning my eyeballs out.

11:21 -- The first lady of Australia looks like she is more fun than Laura Bush.

11:24 -- That little kid's Chinese flag is stapled to the stick upside down.

11:24 -- Probably made in China.

11:27 -- Bob Costas already making excuses for the Americans if they don't win the medal count.

11:30 -- Well, I am going to call it a night. I am all Chinaed out. Unless Mothra lights the torch, I doubt I am going to be missing anything.

11:32 -- The little kid is quite a cutie.

11:40 -- They make everyone stand for the Olympic Anthem and the raising of the Olympic flag?

11:46 -- If they're not careful, they're going to torch one of the national flags around the track.

11:51 -- Whatever you do, DON'T DROP THE TORCH!

11:55 -- Alright. That was one heck of a finale. I'm out.

Tags: Olympics Opening Ceremonies NBC

Live-blogging the Opening Ceremonies -- part 1

You're looking live at Beijing, where...what? This isn't live? It's on tape. Oh.

Scott is joining me, in red. I'm writing in blue. Away we go...

7:48 -- And here we are for the Summer Olympics. Yay. Lance and I will be live-blogging tonights opening ceremonies, but in the spirit of the event we will also be operating on a bit of a tape delay, just like the opening ceremonies themselves. Thus the time stamp you see on these entries will not correspond to the actual time America receives these events. In other words, if you're reading along at home -- which I am guessing most of northern Worcester County will be doing, especially Rep. Jennifer Flannigan -- you will have already seen everything we're discussing.

Well, so what.

7:51 -- As an aside, in order to prepare for this event, I've watched this week's Project Runway, which had the contestants design outfits for the US Olympic Team to wear during these opening ceremonies. Of course, none of these designs were actually used in the games, but no doubt some of them will be superior to whatever mess America throw up on the world stage. They always seem to wear some awful beret or tam-o-shanter or something that no actual person would ever wear ever.

7:55 -- NBC has some hype leading into the ceremony itself, beginning with Tom Brokaw crawling out of his coffin to provide a brief snapshot of modern China. I applaud the attempt, however brief and shallow, to provide perspective on the games. Including a maudlin section about this years Earthquakes, however, is kind of... I dunno. Iffy.

7:57 -- Now we have commentators Bob Costas and Mat Lauer reporting from inside the Bird's Nest, which would be cooler if they were actually perched inside an enormous bird's nest, with, like, Big Bird as a co-commentator. If they did it wouldn't be any more awkward that this, since the two are standing next to each other, making Lauer look like some sort of gangly giant compared to the hobbit-like Costas. I think Lauer is actually hunching over to fit into the picture.

8:00 -- Apparently there are 15,000 performers for the ceremonies, which are costing over $300 million. This better be the best staged performance of "Our Town" ever put on. I wonder if $300 million could have helped any of those Earthquake victims? Now some bronzed guy is saying that the Chinese are viewing this as the riskiest thing they have ever done. Synchronized dancing with giant masks is the riskiest thing China has ever done? Really? I've taken bigger risks ordering General Tso's Chicken. You never know how that stuff is going to be prepared.

8:04 -- I am watching Elmo and Abby Cadabry pretend to be chickens. Gordon is now also pretending to be a rooster, which is probably the riskiest thing he's ever done. There is a muppet chicken who is swooning over Gordon, probably oblivious that she is about to become General Tsao's Chicken.

8:05 -- And we have an interview with some Americans who appear to be wearing tonight's outfit. Sure enough, it comes complete with these white cab driver hats and blue blazers. They look like a rowing crew from Yale circa 1905.

8:11 -- Okay, here we go. After some obligatory shots of President Bush infecting a new continent, the ceremony starts with 2008 drummers pounding on colored tiles. Yep, the ceremonies are derived from Michael Jackson's "Billie Jean" video. It does look pretty cool, but it would be much cooler if all the performers moonwalked off the stage afterwards.

8:16 -- 2008 Chinese guys wearing facepaint and sheer silver dresses and screaming and pounding their drums in unison. My Dad just commented that they appear to be summoning the Dragon Emperor. If I see one more ad for Mummy 3 I am going to beat Brendan Frasier like an ancient drum.
This spectacle is kind of scary, though. I think all over America, people are heading outside to check on their safehouses and make sure the bunker is stocked with canned goods and shotgun shells.

8:16 -- A big foam Z just swung across the screen on a vine while yodeling. Apparently the screaming and pounding worked.

8:17 -- Oh wait. I'm still watching Sesame Street. Never mind.

8:20 -- Matt Lauer is trying to provide context for the symbollism of the ceremony as though he were one of my World Lit professors. But trust me, Ann Parrish could break Lauer like a balky colt.

8:21 -- So that's what happened to Trev Alberts and Steve Emtman...

8:25 -- 52 kids representing the weeks of the year come out and... wait, they represent the 52 ethnic groups that comprise China. Hey, one of them is the Dali Lama! No word on if they have any kids from Darfur represented. The kids just turned the flag over to a group of goosestepping soldiers. Hmm. SO far this ceremony is a bit on the "we're going to crush the world" side of things. Not quite the Olympic spirit. They then play the Chinese national anthem. Do all national anthems sound like unmusical shouting to everyone outside that nation? Except, of course, the Canadian national anthem.

8:31 -- Okay, this part is cool. A giant scroll unfurls, with an LED screen on it, and a bunch of dancers come out and draw on it with their bodies. Costas just said that "already these ceremonies seem unlike any other". I could have sworn he was about to say "seeming like they've been going on for hours and hours".

8:36 -- They now have some cool moving blocks that are emulating wind and water droplets and stuff. They supposedly represent Confucian ideals, but they also bear a strange resemblance to Space Invaders. Or like that Mahjong game that comes with Windows. Now it turns out that the unified movement of the blocks is not via a computer program but via hundreds of people working in perfect unison. Hmmmm, people being used as cogs in a giant computer program. Yep, it's China!

8:41 -- Some guy named Josh, who is the NBC Chinese expert guy, is droning on and on about the symbolism of the performances and it's interesting and everything but I'm going to guess that most of the country is watching this on mute, if they haven't already switched over to Spike TV to watch UFC 72. I can't help feeling that I've seen these stage routines at EPCOT.

8:44 -- A guy is waving a giant ouija board around that has a gold ladle nailed to the center. Josh! Josh, c'mon, what's the symbolism here?! Thanks for nothing.

8:54 -- What is with the 2008 booger-green colored nymphs?

8:55 -- They represent the importance of boogers in Confucian thought.

8:57 -- And GE starts the onslaught of China-themed advertisements. I wonder how pervasive this is going to be? If the next CSI is about a Tong War, I'm going to be kind of irritated.

8:58 -- Do you think John McCain is still awake watching this, or is it about his bedtime?

8:59 -- They've had eight years to prepare for this night and NBC had to bring in an Chinese "expert?" Couldn't Matt and Bob have studied this stuff?

9:01 -- Where in the world is Matt Lauer? Obviously, not in China.

9:02 -- Michelle: "It's not karate, you [moron] it's tai chi. Who just said that?" Me: "The "Chinese expert'" Michelle: "Do they think we're so stupid that we won't understand if they call it tai chi? I hate him already." Me: *silent*

9:04 -- They were distracted by how much this looks like a scene from Revenge of the Sith, with 2000 clones of Jango Fett overrunning the Jedi. Those kids in the center represent the Jedi children that Anakin murdered to complete his transformation into Darth Vader.

9:06 -- 2008 Tai Chi performing waiters. Nice.

9:08 -- If there is one guy who should have got a whoopin' when he was in school, it's Matt Lorch.

9:09 -- Man, enough with this journey through Chinese history. How does it take this long to tell? A bunch of stuff that nobody in Europe ever cared about, the Boxer Rebellion, Communism, the Rape of Nanking, the Gang of Four, the Chicago Seven (?), Tiananmen Square, Yao Ming, now let's play ball already. Lyrics copyright Billy Joel.

9:10 -- Michelle thought for a brief moment that the top of the sphere coming out of the floor of a stadium was actually a nuclear missile. Ha ha. Jokes on us. See you in another life, brother.

9:12 -- It's the world's biggest Golden Snitch.

9:13 -- Michelle: "Sarah Brightman...on weed. I suppose she could just be amazed."

9:13 -- No, the entire Olympic Games are just a clever marketing ploy for Pineapple Express -- opening today! Check local listings.

9:15 -- AAAAH! All those giant posters of Mao have been recycled and now just feature random people's huge melons. Get those giant ugly faces away from me before I have a panic attack.

9:15 -- Do you think the kids fought over who got the white kid umbrella, who got the black kid umbrella, the Chinese kid umbrella, etc?

9:17 -- Michelle pronounces the opening ceremonies "pretty cool."

9:18 -- I'm pronouncing them "pretty long". Finally we get to the parade part. Everyone loves a parade. Not everyone loves an hour of Chinese militant symbolism.

9:20 -- Why is French one of the official languages? Weren't they driven out of southeast Asia decades ago?

On to part 2.

Tags: Olympics Opening Ceremonies NBC