Saturday, August 9, 2008

Live-blogging the Opening Ceremonies -- Part 2

You're looking live at Beijing, where...what? This isn't live? It's on tape. Oh.

Scott is joining me, in red. I'm writing in blue. Part 1 is here. On to the parade of nations...

9:21 -- Michelle thinks the Greek women look like Stewardesses. I like the "Bob Kraft-style" white collars of the men's shirts.

9:23 -- Michelle: The president of Turkmenistan should have made sure the colors matched, instead of a booger green and a puke green.

9:25 -- I've heard that the president of Turkmenistan is kind of nuts. Holy mackeral, Malaysia is wearing some of the most garish pajamas I've ever seen. Meanwhile, the group of Mali looks like a bunch of holy men. I've never even heard of Mali, so maybe they are.

9:26 -- Why do the Yemenese get bagpipes for their background music?

9:28 -- The Marshall Islanders found the immunity idols on Castaway Island!

9:29 -- Those bamboo necklaces were first outlined as part of the Marshall Plan. Complaints about this joke can be sent directly to Lance at nodrumlins.

9:30 -- I think I'd be more apt to buy something that was advertised in HD.

9:31 -- Unless they are trying to sell you Randy Johnson's face.

9:31 -- Do the Ecuadorans put the country name on their pants so they can look down and remember where they are from?

9:32 -- I like the yellow waistcoats the Jamaican women are wearing. The blazers for the men, not so much. If I had been doing the Project Runway challenge, I would have made waistcoats for Americas women as well.

9:33 -- I like the Country and Western-style suits the Belgians are wearing.

9:34 -- Israeli athletes or American tourists. You decide.

9:35 -- All I know is, you don't mess with the Zohan.

9:37 -- Benin has some amazing habadashery. Sponsored by Jiffy Pop.

9:38 -- Those red and white polka-dotted shirts are something else.

9:39 -- WTF is Denmark wearing? T-shirts and jean jams? I'm calling Morton to ask him what his nation was thinking. Denmark's outfits were apparantly designed by Pacific Sunwear.

9:39 -- I'm not sure a man wearing capris and a belly shirt can win a medal. But Denmark will probably prove me wrong.

9:41 -- I really like those Ukranian neck ties. Where can I get one of those.

9:44 -- I've seen hordes of Brazilian tourists at Disney World that looked just like their Olympic delegation. Instead of a brazilian flag they should have had their flag-bearer use one of those little orange tour group ones.

9:46 -- The team members from the Bahamas are wearing silk nooses?

9:47 -- Michelle: "That Panamanian outfit makes her look like a waitress. Hey Flo!"

9:49 -- I would have been happier if the Cubans were all wearing those red Che Guevara t-shirts, like they were at a Rage Against the Machine concert. Also, if they were chopming on giant cigars. I love that stuff. I hear the Cuban rowing and swimming teams are very strong.

9:54 -- Makes me proud do be an American, the president does.

9:54 -- I thought Bush was about to raise his hand and shout for a peanut vendor. "Hey, hot dog! Over here. Gimme a coke too."

9:55 -- More capris. If you ever wondered why America was superior to Europe, there you go.

9:58 -- Thank you, Canada, for proving the fashion possibilities of the painters cap.

9:58 -- My God, those Canadian outfits are hideous. Michelle -- "What's the deal with the gold lamay shirts and the painters' caps with the hand-drawn leaf?"

9:59 -- Michelle: "This guys glasses in the [ExxonMobil] commercial's glasses re incredibly crooked. Couldn't they have found someone without crooked glasses?"

10:05 -- Spain's ladies look nice in the 40's throwback jackets and skirts. Allow me a moment to google the lyrics of "ladies of Spain". The men, however, look ridiculous in those blood red smoking jackets.

10:05 -- Michelle: "[The Spaniards] look like they work at McDonalds. Mustard and Ketchup."

10:06 -- Gotta like the double-breasted jackets on the Congolese delegation.

10:07 -- I love the smirk from Bush when Iraq came in. Golf clap and smirk. Perfect.

10:08 -- I wish they'd have shown his reaction to the Iranian delegation.

10:09 -- I think he pulled out the "football" and started pounding codes into it.

10:09 -- The Hungarian women look like they got caught out in a paint ball field. Michelle: "I think I'm going to have seizures."

10:14 -- Some of these nations are waving these silly little plastic flags instead of nice, real miniature flags. I wonder if those plastic flags were made in China? I bet those kids form the opening ceremony make those little flags like 11 hours a day when they aren't being used as public relations props.

10:16 -- When they show Bush and Mrs. Bush, the two of them never seem to be talking or anything. Maybe she's busy live blogging or something.

10:16 -- Michelle: "Those Croatian outfits look like Italian table cloths, and --- oh, the women don't even shave! Who chooses sleeveless outfits for women who don't shave?"

10:21 -- Now, why is Bob Costas trivializing the contribution of the two UAE women athletes? Doesn't matter if they are the daughters of politicans or not.

10:22 -- And I really like Azerbaijan's neckties. Perhaps the best ties of the night.

10:24 -- Great Britain looks sharp, conservative but sharp. As you might expect. I liked the outfits Namibia was wearing, which marks the first time I've ever written, said or thought the word Namibia.

10:25 -- I think the British Virgin Island team picked up those shirts at the airport gift shop on the way out.

10:25 -- Are those Romanian jackets an actual color recognizable by the human eye? Or is it some sort of alien virus?

10:26 -- One of Tuvalu's athletes only had one arm. Maybe he does discus?

10:28 -- The French have those square-bottomed knit ties! I have a couple of those from high school! Maybe those crazy Europeans aren't so fashion-distressed as I thought?

10:29 -- The Polish women are all wearing prom dresses.

10:29 -- Michelle: "Who put Olga in that dress?"

10:33 -- Bulgaria has some nice, simple, clean outfits that make their neighbor countries of Hungary and Romania look pretty silly.

10:33 -- The South African open-water swimmer who lost half of her leg would have a better story if it had been bit off by a shark than in a motorcycle accident. I think she ought to rethink that.

10:35 -- John McCain: "Cindy, that's the Soviet Union. Why does Matt Lauer keep calling it Russia? Stupid media."

10:37 -- I don't like the Scally caps. Otherwise, I give the US outfits a thumbs up. The women's ascots are nice. In fact, the men might also look nice in ascots.

10:40 -- Are some of the US athletes flashing gang signs to the camera? Good thing Paul Pierce isn't on the team this time.

10:41 -- I think I'm the wrong guy to ask.

10:42 -- I'll call Mayor Wong and see if she has an official city guide to gang signs.

10:43 -- I hear you two run in the same circles.

10:44 -- Zimbabwe made their jerseys out of recycled Kansas City Wiz uniforms.

10:46 -- The president is tapping his knee with the American Flag! Can't wait to read all of the conservative bloggers accusing him of desecrating the flag and dishonoring America.

10:49 -- My Own Worst Enemy on NBC looks like a surefire crapfest. Not "her father is the district attorney!" bad, but bad. Ironically, of course, Christian Slater actually is his own worst enemy. Or, maybe it's his agent.

10:49 -- Christian Slater is doing a network TV series about a schizophrenic something or another? Didn't he used to be cool?

10:51 -- John McCain: Cindy, I think it's really neat that we let Georgia have it's own team. Is that because they had the Olympics in 1996? Will Illinois get a team after 2016?

10:53 -- John McCain: Nice to see Czechoslovakia send so many athletes this year.

10:56 -- Matt Lauer correctly recognizes Kobe Bryant and talks about how other athletes are flocking to him, but fails to notice that the guy getting his picture taken with Bryant is Roger Federer, only one of the greatest tennis players in world history. Maybe Kobe was flocking to him to get tips on how to win titles.

10:58 -- John McCain: Look at that Cindy, the Czechoslovakians went out, changed their clothes, and came in with a different flag. Neat.

11:00 -- I like the South Korean outfits too. Very nice ties.

11:01 -- One of the dudes from Cameroon was talking on his cell phone while he was walking in the parade. Seriously, that doesn't really seem like the time. He was probably talking to someone in a movie theater.

11:01 -- ...or behind the Red Sox dugout.

11:04 -- Um, I don't think that was Federer with Kobe.

11:04 -- And here's Federer again, having quickly changed national allegiences. He wants to get to Kobe again. Double dipping.

11:07 -- I see that New Zealand is being outfitted by the effects wizards at WETA.

11:07 -- The Kiwis are wearing those tuxedo T-shirts people wear to wedding receptions to be "funny."

11:10 -- That Nike ad with the "I got soul but I'm not a soldier" song -- which is annoying -- also features single frame images of both Jonathan Papelbon and the DC Comics superhero The Flash for no apparent reason.

11:15 -- Having Dirk Nowitzki anywhere near your team is no way to win more medals.

11:16 -- And Kobe tries to swat Jennie Finch and the women's softball team out of the way so he can get more camera time. Obviously awaiting his next visit from Roger Federer.

11:17 -- Jennie Finch should consider herself lucky that's all she got from Kobe.

11:19 -- Sox lost.

11:21 -- And Australia decides to show Canada how it's done. And by it, I mean burning my eyeballs out.

11:21 -- The first lady of Australia looks like she is more fun than Laura Bush.

11:24 -- That little kid's Chinese flag is stapled to the stick upside down.

11:24 -- Probably made in China.

11:27 -- Bob Costas already making excuses for the Americans if they don't win the medal count.

11:30 -- Well, I am going to call it a night. I am all Chinaed out. Unless Mothra lights the torch, I doubt I am going to be missing anything.

11:32 -- The little kid is quite a cutie.

11:40 -- They make everyone stand for the Olympic Anthem and the raising of the Olympic flag?

11:46 -- If they're not careful, they're going to torch one of the national flags around the track.

11:51 -- Whatever you do, DON'T DROP THE TORCH!

11:55 -- Alright. That was one heck of a finale. I'm out.

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