Friday, February 12, 2010

Live Blogging the Winter Olympics -- Part 2

Part 1 is here. Part 2, joined in progress...

10:38 -- The longer this ceremony goes, the more cynical I become. Is it supposed to work like that?

10:39 -- It's not the ceremony, it's Sarah McLauhlin doing that.

10:39 -- She's hot. Mirrorball is worth a download right now, people. And "When Somebody Loved Me" from the Toy Story 2 soundtrack? I'm still pissed they gave the Oscar to that Phil Collins excrement from "Tarzan". What a load.

10:40 -- I mean, it's no "It's Hard Out There For A Pimp," but it was Oscar worthy.

10:41 -- I've been waiting for a Greg Kinnear action flick. Thank you, Hollywood Jesus.

10:43 -- Let me see if I get this straight. Some good ol' boy from Jim Crow Georgia riding his bike in 1959 inspired a bunch of South Korean engineers to build the 2010 Kia Sorrento? That's not the least bit implausible.

10:44 -- They were inspired to find a faster getaway car if the Klan ever came for them.

10:44 -- Oh good, more time spent kissing Quebec's ass. That's, like, 60% of their national budget, isn't it?

10:45 -- And on fiddle: Hellboy.

10:46 -- Oh please, play Cotton Eyed Joe. Oh, please, oh, please, oh, please!

10:47 -- You can have all of the tattoos and Mohawks you want and if you wear that much eye-liner, you're still going to have a hard time convincing me you aren't a little light in the loafers.

10:47 -- This shit is so crunk.

10:48 -- I don't mean you, of course, I mean the fiddler.

10:48 -- Not that there is anything wrong with that.

10:50 -- Are all of the Dropkick Murphys there? Or just most of them?

10:51 -- Since Zdeno Chara, Patrice Bergeron, Marco Sturm, and David Krejci are in the Olympics, the Dropkick Murphys were contractually obligated to come along. International law says "Where four or more Bruins or Red Sox congregate, the Dropkick Murphys must accompany them."

10:51 -- I see bra technology has not yet reached the great white north.

10:55 -- My face is starting to hurt from wincing at this program so much.

10:56 -- I'm sure "A tribute to Canada's Vast Prairies" will make you feel more at that Donald Sutherland doing the narration?

10:58 -- It is. He was great in Dirty Dozen. "Very pretty, general. very pretty. But will they fight?"

10:59 -- Now we just need Telly Savales to come out with a knife in one hand shouting "Whores!" and this party will really get going. Right on, Canada!

11:00 -- I'd settle for a "Ho-bag!" from the gallery.

11:02 -- As of this very second, the "Both Sides, Now" page on Wikipedia has not yet been updated with the 2010 Vancouver Olympics cover. Don't you wonder who cares so much about stuff to go onto Wikipedia and update it? I mean, why does this song even have a 1,500 word entry?

11:03 -- That was Joni Mitchell? My, her voice has deepend over the years.

11:03 -- Wikipedia has now, in fact, been updated.

11:04 -- I watched a documentary about Joni Mitchell a few months ago. It actually wasn't nearly as boring as this mess.

11:05 -- Hey, it's the Flying Tomato! Whoop-de-effing-do.

11:06 -- Lindsey Jacobellis is transfixed by the sight of snowboarders not wiping out. Hard to fathom. Maybe she's studying them for pointers. "How do they do that?!"

11:08 -- That nameless Canadian chick may have won the gold, but Lindsey Jacobellis got to be in a Dunkin' Donuts commercial every 15 minutes for a month. You think Ms. Canada there got that kind of scratch from Tim Horton's?

11:09 -- And here's a skating tribute to the motion capture used in Canadian director James Cameron's "Avatar".

11:10 - -They did not just say slam poetry. No they didn't.

11:11 -- I think a fat guy with a neck beard and Eurostyle glasses defines Canada better than any poem could hope to.

11:12 -- The ultimate symbol of the Vancouver Games: Kyle Orton.

11:13 -- "Canada is the 'What' in 'What's New.'" He's no Robert Frost, eh?

11:14 -- "And what's more, we didn't just say it. We sprayed it."

11:15 -- The wonders of Hi-Def.

11:16 -- And now, the part we've all been waiting for...pasty old white men with accents.

11:18 -- How is it that the Canadian flag is tangled in the wind when they are in a dome?

11:18 - "We share with the world what it feels like to be a Canadian: boring."

11:19 -- I've been to Tim Horton's. I paid with a Loonie. I know what it's like to be a proud Canadian.

11:20 -- "A world in need of peace..." The teabaggers aren't going to like this.

11:21 -- C'mon, Don Cherry!

11:22 -- Do you know why Don Cherry's nickname was "Grapes?"

11:24 -- Speculation centers on his groin, but... no.

11:25 -- You are correct, petit frère. Supposedly he wore pants so tight that his balls were readily noticable. So the Bruins players started calling him "Grapes."

11:26 -- That's the same reason my friends call me "The Hydra."

11:29 -- I hate Bode Miller. Get him off my TV.

11:29 -- What the hell is this jabberwocky? Don't they speak English in Canada?

11:30 -- Listen, If Spanish were the official language of the Olympics, we'd probably get all of this in English, French, and Spanish.

11:32 -- Song of peace? Sounds like a time for me to sing a song of piss. Bathroom break. No offense to k.d., but I only listen to the Jason Castro version of this song.

11:32 -- k.d. lang. Your Super Bow LXII halftime show.

11:34 -- If k.d.'s suit were black she would be a dead ringer for Johnny Cash. And no, that is not a compliment.

11:36 -- Prop Bet: has k.d. lang said "hallelujah" more in this song, or in the rest of her life combined?

11:36 -- No bet.

11:38 -- Dan the Audi Man loved that last ad.

11:39 -- 12 more minutes of this nonsense? Holy crap.

11:40 -- With that outfit on, Donald Sutherlind looks like Hollwood's version of St. Peter waiting to greet you at the pearly gates. That or Sarumon. One or the other.

11:41 -- Damn. Bobby Orr not going to light the torch. Not a bad consolation prize, I suppose.

11:41 -- Okay, Orr isn't carrying the torch. it must be Gretzky. What a total ripoff. That wispy little creampuff couldn't carry Orr's grapes.

11:42 -- Holy hair.

11:42 -- To hell with the torch, they ought to just light her hair. It would probably take the whole two weeks to burn.

11:44 -- Was Gretzky ever an Olympian? Isn't it usually an Olympian who lights the torch? Or does his stint as coach count?

11:45 -- A little Googling confirms that it will be Gretzky. Hope that doesn't ruin it for you.

11:46 -- The fact that it's Gretzky is what ruins it for me. Does anyone outside of Canada like Gretzky?

11:47 -- He's the Great One. Well, him and an X-Large Dunkin' Donuts coffee.

11:49 -- Great One, Schmrait Frun. Whatever.

11:50 -- Do you think everyone is standing around the stadium looking at each other waiting for NBC to come back from commercial?

11:52 -- They're taking bets on whether Gretzky comes out in a Phoenix Coyotes jersey. I wonder whether the people of Arizona think he's the great one?

11:53 -- They should announce that the Coyotes are moving back to Winnipeg. That would mean a lot more to Canada than having Gretz light the torch.

11:54 -- And yes, I call him Gretz. Me and Gretz are tight.

11:55 -- How did Cameron get that gig?

11:57 -- Something is going to emerge from the stadium floor? Something is going to emerge from my pants! HA!

11:57 -- And then...nothing happened. Looks like Gretz needs Mark Messier to set him up.

11:58 -- Okay, grapes, keep it together.

11:59 -- Six billion dollars and they cant even light the torch correctly. How 'bout that Canadian ingenuity?

11:59 -- I think this is a re-enactment of the emregence of Superman's Fortress of Solitude just before Supes goes to fight Zod in "Superman II."

12:00 -- OKay, that lasted forever. I'm out of here. Peace, y'all.

12:02 -- Wait! Gretzky is going outside to light the real cauldron. You can't quit now!

12:03 -- I'm not following Gretzky around the city to light a billion other malfunctioning cauldrons. Unless one of them has Petr Klima in it.

12:04 -- You'd follow Bobby Orr around the city to light a billion cigarettes.

12:07 -- Vice President Biden is wearing a pin that includes the Canadian and US flags crossed. Bet you a dollar to a donut that someone criticizes him for that tomorrow.

12:10 -- That's it. Peace Out. I hope you enjoyed the opening ceremonies.
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