Friday, February 12, 2010

Live Blogging the Winter Olympics

You are looking live at Vancouver. Where the world has gathered in a domed stadium. Just like they did in Greece oh so long ago. Scott is joining me (and carrying the ball for the first half hour or so). His comments are in red, mine are in blue. And away we go...
8:36 -- Welcome back to the Olympics. Man, it seems like we never left. But that's probably just because all of these excruciating NBC Olympic features are exactly the same. Here's a brief recap of what we've seen over the last half hour or so: Arnold Schwarzeneggar carried the torch for a mile or so, during which time California fell approximately $77 million more in debt; Dan Patrick interviewed two ice dancers, and just typing that makes me want to punch myself in the nuts a dozen times; Apollo "Creed" Ohno showed his soul patch on national televison, which I hoped would be outlawed by now by FCC deceny standards (by the way, he always makes me wonder when Smashing Pumpkins are going to reunite. Just saying.); and Cris Collinsworth of all people took a break from doing the voicework for Madden 2011 just long enough to interview the biggest moron in the history of American sports, Lindsey Jacobellis. 
Yeah, we're off to a rocking start here. I hope Lance logs on soon to give me a break; I'm going to need a few seconds to question the universe for allowing NBC this TV contract.
8:44 -- Apparently the world premiere of the new "We Are The World" video is coming up. Am I the only one that thought the original was a pile of schmaltzy crap? Haven't the people of Haiti suffered enough without subjecting them to a Lil' Jon and Joe Jonas duet?
8:47 -- Speaking of which, they just had a commercial for it and I literally mistook Qincy Jones for Muhammed Ali. I am apparently a douchebag.
8:48 -- Did they really just claim that these are some of the "best" artists in the world? And then they lead off with Justin Beiber. You know what, I'm not the douchebag after all, these people are. I mean, I hope they make a billion dollars to help the people of Haiti, because I personally would pay that much just to ensure I never have to hear that sonic assault ever again.  
8:54 -- They showed a nice commercial featuring Canadian superstars imporing people to vacation in British Columbia. that is to say, Canadian-born superstars. I wonder how many of them became U.S. citizens once they hit it big in America? Just curious.
8:55 -- Dan Patrick is now conducting the most painful interview ever with a group of American snowboarding women. Lindsey Jacobellis suddenly has context.
8:58 -- A nice new ad for the U. S. Census. Their new campaign features a guy in a bathrobe a giant mustache parading through the neighborhood. Not bad. it's definitely a step up from their last campaign, "kill yourself and scrawl the word Fed across your chest." That one was a bit of a bust.
8:59 -- Okay, enough crap, let's get to the ceremony already. Here we go. 
9:01 -- And the show has started off with a bang, with Dudley Do-Roight riding into the pavilion on a moose. Actually, it's starting with a sequence showing a snowboarder rushing down a mountain. I'm waiting for the Russian skiers to start chasing him, shooting out of their semi-automatic ski poles just before he parachutes off the side to a waiting submarine. Hey, everything is better when Roger Moore is involved. I hope he's the one lighting the torch. My actual guess: Wayne Gretzky. Though it should be the actual greatest player in hockey history, Bobby Orr.
9:04 -- I was hoping when the snowboarder whipped off his mask it would turn out to be Canadian native Michael J. Fox.
9:07 -- The Prime Minister was apparently as confused by "The Vice-Royal Salute" as everyone else in the free world. I appreciate that he started singing along during the one stanze of the national anthem, though.
9:08 -- Finally! Dudley Effing Do-Right! Hell yes! Like, eight of them.

9:09 -- They should have had Rene Rancourt sing the national anthem. Give some fist pumps, get the crowd juiced up. This is the worst version of the Canadian national anthem I have ever heard. It has the Celine Dion stink all over it. The arrangement is terrible! Brutal. 
9:12 -- Is Alec Baldwin really the best person to be giving out marriage advice? 
9:15 -- So, what did I miss? Dancing Bears? Singing Inuits? Bearded men in toques?
9:15 -- I want one of those hiuge totems for my house. Or... I guess I want one of those huge totems to be my house. As long as it's a Windfury Totem, that is.  And I want that wolf-hat too. The bare-chested wolf-hat look is big this year, I think it's the centerpiece of Michael Kors's spring line.
9:16 -- Apparently, I did not miss the singing Inuits.
9:17 -- No, that appears to be happening now.
9:18 -- This explains the Inuit dominance at ping-pong.
9:19 -- Phil Sheridan would have a field day if he saw this. 
9:22 -- It doesn't look like the guy from the Greek Olympic Committee has found the Grecian Formula, if you know what I mean.
9:23 -- The fact that the Argentine alpine skier is my size tells you why no South American team has ever won a medal.
9:25 -- The Australian team hung a Kangol flag from their balcony? What, is Samuel L. Jackson leading their contingent?
9:25 -- Now, there is a classy outfit. The Austrians are apparently the only ones to get the memo that this was going to happen inside, so

9:26 -- Jackson Pollack designed Azjerbaijan's pajamas.

9:29 -- To hell with all of the running suits. How about a little style.
9:30 -- A point for the Cayman Islander's hats.
9:31 -- Was the crowd booing China? Or were they just saying "Mao"?
9:33 -- "Obama isn't there, so I doubt it was 'Mao.'" -- Sarah Palin

9:34 -- Maybe they were booing because they finally heard the new version of "We Are the World."

9:35 -- I believe Jaromir Jagr wore those pants for most of his 500 or so NHL goals.
9:35 -- I see Estonia got a hold of Mom's bedazzler.

9:36 -- Is that Ethiopia? I thought it was a group of DHL employess making a late delivery.
9:36 -- I'm going to say that the Finnish suits are in homage to their ski troops and they accidentally gave them camouflage outfits instead of all-whites. I can't imagine any reason other than mushrooms. Probably a Nike thing.
9:37 -- Are the French waving white flags? Just asking...

9:38 -- A bunch of French atheltes are on the scene. Let's hope FIFA isn't around or you might as well give them the medals now.
9:40 -- There's apparently no "I" in "Germany".
9:40 -- Apparently even in German, there is no I in team. Isn't that what the German police wear when directing traffic?

9:42 -- Jinx. You owe me a Molson's.
9:42 -- You know the world has changed when the British are the first team wearing berets.

9:43 -- That's in honor of Field Marshall Montgomery. He was a huge fan of the halfpipe.

9:43 -- And there are apparently no hairdressers in Hong Kong. Egads.

9:44 -- Iceland does not scream "Winter Olympics." It screams "Drunken Bankrupt spa-goers."

9:46 -- OK. "Spa-goers" is pretty lame.

9:46 -- You'd think that Bollywood could turn out more than three ice dancers.

9:46 -- It's a long way to Tipper-arrrry! It's a long long way to go!"

9:48 -- Looks like Berlusconi gave all really of the Italian men Mickey Mouse gloves...probably to keep them to from groping the other athletes.
9:49 -- Those shamans must be getting really tired of dancing.
9:49 -- Speaking of Shaman, these ceremonies wouldbe really improved if there was an Alpha Flight appearance. That's a reference for all my fans who came over from my website to follow us tonight. All none of them.
9:50 -- Now that is an effin' hat. Too bad the rest of the Kazakhs aren't wearing that bedazzled, tri-cornered top.
9:50 -- Time for the obligatory Borat joke. C'mon, Costas. Don't let me down.
9:51 -- You are going to cross-post this on your website, right? I mean, the winter olympics seem like it would be right up you readership's alley.
9:56 -- Probably not , but it may be time for a spotlight on The Sportsmaster.

9:56 -- The guy from Moldova is having a pretty good week...not because it's his birthday, but because he's not in Moldova.

9:56 -- The Monte Carlo team getting ready for their Christmas family picture.

9:58 -- ...and Matt Lauer and his wife met on a double-Dutch.

9:59 -- WTF is that cape that lady was just wearing? I can't even formulate a joke about it, it was just too freakish.

9:59 -- I am from New Zealand. I am the Falconer.

10:01 -- Must not make Polish joke after seeing those outfits. Must resist.

10:02 -- Is it just me, or does every country with one athlete just have a guy competing in cross-country skiing? "Can you walk on skiis? Yes? Here's a plane ticket to Canada. Grab a flag."

10:03 -- OK. The Russian outfits are the leader in the clubhouse. The Varsity jackets with the Russian team design on the shoulders and leather sleeves are really nice. Especially the red ones with the white sleeves that the men are sporting. Best thing to come out of Russia

10:05 -- Olympians gorge on chicken mcnuggets? The gold medal count may be down this year. The crispy golden batter count, however, will be up. As will the cholesterol count. I wonder how Mrs. Obama feels about an ad showing dozens of pre-teens mowing McDonalds food?

10:06 -- The Slovenes look sharp too.

10:08 -- Spain, wearing hats marked "VANCOUVER" in large letters on all sides will not make the people cheer for you any more than they already would.

10:00 -- Bob Costas said "Cooch." Heh heh, heh heh heh.

10:10 -- Lauer got it right, it is, in fact, Istanbul, not Constantinople. A common mistake.

10:12 -- He thinks it will be a warm reception? He's never listened to Montreal Canadiens fans greet the U. S. national anthem before a game, has he.

10:12 -- Marco!

10:13 -- The difference between 2008 and 2010? Joe Biden isn't waving the flag updside down and probably won't be patting the female athletes on the ass.

10:13 -- Biden gets to do all the cool stuff.

10:13 -- Which also makes him the only politician in American currently doing anything.

10:17 -- Matt Lauer: "So many Canadians in attendance." No shit, Sherlock. Welcome to Vancouver!

10:18 -- Maybe if he had one of those Spanish hats he'd remember where the Games are being held.

10:18 -- Did they just say they were going to settle in to enjoy the show? The show? There's more of this crap?!

10:19 -- Only another hour and a half. Glad you signed up for this, huh?

10:19 -- And now, in recognition of Canadian history, the delegation from Canada will pull down the totems. Commence!

10:20 -- This would be the worst thing I have ever heard, but I already listened to "We Are The World 25 For Haiti" tonight.

10:21 -- OK. Time to be honest. You wrote this theme song, didn't you?

10:22 -- I think this is Kara's new "American Idol" single.

10:22 -- I don't know about you, but I'm just having a had time getting Inuit.

10:23 -- I was wondering who that dude doing the terrible Brian Adams impression was. Answer? Bryan Adams.

10:25 -- I have to say, Crunch n' Munch is underrated. I don't like Cracker Jack at all, but this Crunch 'n Munch stuff is OK.

10:26 -- I never realized how unbelievably cheesy Candaians are. They aren't nearly this bad on Ice Road Truckers.

10:28 -- The extreme northern natives of Canada apparently were pioneering habadashers.

10:29 - -I hope this is a St. Elsewhere's type snow globe, so I can wake up from this nightmarish dream sequence.
10:35 -- This google docs program couldn't possibly suck any worse.

10:36 -- Looks like it's time for me to publish this and move on to part two. See you in another life, brother.
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